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My grandma is ok. she's out of ICU, and she didn't die, but Daughty did, and damn, that hurts. I haven't seen Daughty in 3 years, but I still loved her. I've been through a lot this last week.

shoot me?

My dad has been sick for years. I've been waiting for him to die since I was ten, and he's still going strong. Today my grandma's heart stopped for seven minutes, and she might die at any moment. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest, I'm fine one minute and hysterical the next. It's hard to deal with such a shock, when last month the doctors said she was in perfect health. So yeah.. I'm in shock.

But I did get my BE hunter to lvl 13 today, and Kamiana is finally lvl 50! woot!

apple juice

Life is like apple juice. You drink too much too quickly, and you get sick and have to stop. You don't drink it fast enough, it gets fun towards the end of the bottle because it's fermented! But if you wait longer, then it has mold floating on the top and you can't drink it unless you want to die in a very horrible way.

I should point out to my mom that hers is about to mold. Then again, maybe not. She'll never drink it anyway.

The many names of me

Remember that picture? She (Sarra) was my life. She was one of the names I chose for myself. One of the personalities I chose for myself. I tried so hard to absorb her ability to be strong. I tried to absorb her ideals of equality and not just between the sexes, but across the classes too. Instead I absorbed her ability to lose babies before they ever had a chance, and the mass amount of guilt she felt for everything. And a weakness for minstrels with attitude problems.

Meredith was another name I chose for me. It sounded like someone named Meredith was the kind of person i wanted to be. Not exactly happy, but again, stong, and elegant, and long. Now I relate to Meredith Grey (as in Grey's Anatomy). My life is that silly and I dwell on ridiculous issues. I have great friends though. People who love me, and a mother that will always think I am ordinary and a let down.

Morrigan is another name I chose, that is mine. I chose that based on the great Celtic goddess. Three-fold, three faces, three personalities. Each one strong. Each one brave. Each one battle ready. Maiden, Mother, and Crone, yet covered in bloody armor like a Valkyrie. Surrounded by black horses, black ravens, and black crows. Yet she loved and that love caused her to save men. Her strength. I wish I had her strength and bravery and focus. I'm still trying to absorb it. I am still surrounded by death, like she is too.

I thought I wanted to absorb Magda. She was this great woman in the Darkover series. She loved women and men. She fought for the freedom of women. She love Jaelle. My cousin was named after the charachter of Jaelle. I think I am like Jaelle though. Magda had fears, but worked through them. Jaelle ran from hers headlong into the unknown. It's what killed her. Magda was not impetuous. Jaelle once again, ran headlong into any decision she made, the moment she made it. Especially in her love life. Magda thought long and hard about herself when she fell in love. Jaelle accepted it and dug herself into holes. but she loved strongly. I love strongly. I also love impetuously. I fall in love often, like Magda. And I love more than one at a time, also like Magda. But like Jaelle, I told my child I did not want her. I gave her up, hoping I would be able to have her later. Unlike Jaelle, I will never have that chance. But Jaelle is relatable to. I was going to have a child with a man I hated. She found herself in the same situation. She understands. I think she would love me.

Sardis is also a name chosen for myself by me. It means remnant in an ancient language. I am a remnant. A remnant of the hope I was as a child and teenager. A remnant of happiness and youth. A remnant of myself. But also, there is hope, which Sardis also implies. I am also hope. Hope that my life will be fulfilling. Hope that my college degree will actually mean a steady and safe life. Hope that happiness is just around the corner. Hope that those who love me will never stop. Hope that the world will become a better place. Hope that fundamentalism of all kinds will die out and calmness will rule the world one day. World peace is unreal, but calmness is not.

Why, Why, Why?

Reply to this post, and I'll tell you at least one reason why I like you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.

I hate boys

They jsut hurt ppl. I hate them all. My boyfriend tries to run my life, tell me what to do, and threatens to get rid of the dog. The stupid dog (also male)loves my stupid boyfriend more than me, even though I'm the only one who feeds him, gives him water, cleans up his messes, takes him for walks, and lets him out to pee. I'm the only one that plays with him or pets him. But he loves my boyfriend more. Maybe I should ignore him, stop feeding him, and leave him to roll in his own shit. then he'll love me. No more pettings or brushings or playing. just ignoring him except to yell at him for being in the way.

It's not just them. It's all boys in my life. they are all bastards who use me then ignore me when they're done.


School starts on Tuesday. I am so not ready for that hell yet. I am waaay tired still from last semester. Fortunately I should only have one summer semester after this. That is assuming I pass the math. *wink wink Jen* Oh, and the research methods. That's gonna kill me. but it's ok. It's like a final stretch, but I'm not sure I want the game to be over yet. I do because I want to start my life and career, but at the same time I'm still afraid that I'm just not gonna be good enough, or pretty enough to hire or keep on or that I won't make enough money. 50,000 in student loans is a big burden. a really big burden.. anyway, I'm gonna do it because I just can't hold it off anymore.

Boys are silly.

I went to Roseville to visit my grandma and met up with some friends while I was there. then they wanted to hang out again, so we kinda made plans to get together, but nothing really happened, and they never called! Silly boys! But it was really fun. I fell asleep before midnight, which is usual for me on New Years, I texted almost everyone and only got seven replies.... what does that say about me and who I have in my contacts? Lots of fun though. Lots. Seriously!

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January 2008


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